What is intimacy to you? How does it make you feel? With whom do you feel most intimate with? And do you allow yourself to be intimate with yourself?
Intimacy for me has the sense of being all of me with myself firstly. That I allow myself to be all of me with me; the good, the bad, the beauty and the ugly. I’ve made some stupid mistakes, put people off, rejected them, slamming doors shut and running away to a comfortable distance. Once I started to accept myself for who I am, with all the thoughts, projections and expectations. A true space of being me was created and the need for interacting with others and the things that used to come up slowly disappeared. I stopped involving others in old hurts and fears. Of course I slipped up sometimes and still do sometimes, but from that I also learned to have more vulnerability for me. Vulnerability is a sense of space where I choose to stay with the uncomfortableness of the situation without judgement. Instead of reacting from it I choose to stay with it and act out of it. So now I choose speak to friends about it, write about it, cry about it. Just saying things out loud and giving expression makes it lighter for me.
From there I make new choices that honor me. I ask myself, what choice makes me happier? What can I do and be that honors more of me. If I want my life to be the way I like it, I have to make choices that are in line with that. And along the way things pop up, I look at it and deal with it. My motion is always forward and open to change. And take accountability for my choices. I am the only one responsible for my life. And I make out to be the empress of it! In order to that I have to trust myself in that I know what works for me. And if a choice doesn’t work for me, I have the honouring of me to make another choice.
And when I am all of this with me, there is a space of invitation to be this with others too. Of course things still come up in interactions. Truly trusting others is a process for me too. With some people it’s instantaneous and with others it has to grow. The growth in trust is usually because of my own expectations, projections and old hurts. It’s discovering a new aspect of myself over and over again. And that’s a true adventure of living a human life.
This intimacy with others is also allowing the other person do the hell they want and to never take it personally. It’s their needs and desires, who am I to make them wrong for it or to tell them they are not allowed to do it? I’m willing to loose absolutely everything. And with that I it all. And if people leave, judge me, love me, hate me; it still is their prerogative. Making a big deal out of it won’t help and, honestly, I prefer to invest my time and energy in people that are will to have fun with me and create more. And of course it’s shit when somebody says good bye, it hurts especially when I would have desired something else. But it is what it is. I choose to have that acceptance of all of it all, I make other choices that work for me and create a lightness of me in my world. How can it ever go wrong if I choose to have my own back?